As the hot summer sun began to set over Michigan and I peered through my back door window, I saw that the grassy field in our front yard had a new, unexplained indentation. Curious, I walked out to the driveway, where an elderly neighbor had stopped me to discuss the local gang problem and other neighborhood issues. A story soon unravelled: what looked like an indentation was actually a child’s body that was discovered after 2 days of disappearance by her grieving mother; she had been kidnapped (babysitting) by gang members and eventually strangled with their shoelaces. Her limp, bloated body had finally surfaced on the side of the road (about 1600 feet from our house) the night before, just hours before her parents were going to call off the search and file the missing person report. The police and many residents of this small community suspect that she was raped as well before being murdered. It was also learned that her last night alive she was babysitting for the same family which in May lost 2 children in a house fire, raising questions about who the abductor(s) could be.
In the wake of this tragedy, I could not help but feel blessed in so many ways and most importantly thankful to have a beautiful daughter. However, instead of simply smiling, tending to the garden, and watching a movie, the evening was filled with tears of overwhelming sadness, compassion, and sympathy. My wife and I watched the evening news looking for any hints of an arrest and sat quietly praying for the little girl’s family (and for ourselves). Although this was undoubtedly an evening filled with pain, it was also a needed opportunity to simply pour out the ache I felt to the Lord. Later that night, we shared intimate moments of prayer, wondering how we could prevent such horrid experiences, even if it meant our own death. With each tear rolling down our faces and sobs and groans escaping us, I knew this wasn’t the end of the story. I couldn’t help but think about how much it would take to heal and re-build a family after such a traumatic experience. I could only imagine the struggles this family will face and the life-long questions they will struggle with, all the while trying to maintain faith, hope, and love.
As I try to reflect on this tragic event for the next day, I realized that something was still missing. I had a nagging feeling that made me want to do something that was not only productive (as in doing some work around the house or taking a walk in the woods), but something that would provide healing to my soul. As I wrote this paper, I wanted to reflect on the deeper meaning of “self care” and its place in ministry. In fact, I believe self-care can be a response to trauma and loss, offering moments of peace, rest, reflection, contemplation, and intimacy with God, others, and life. Further, as I look at these multiple facets, it helps me understand why some Christians focus so heavily on “self care” and meditation – they are trying to escape the challenges of life and find a better way of getting through the day or recovering from their past. I also recognize that there needs to be a healthy balance of theological teaching (which helps us understand our problems in light of God’s Word), counseling (providing professional insight), medication (when indicated), and Christian peer support (seeing God at work in the lives and ministries of others). As a pastor and counselor, the fusing of these important elements is at the heart of the “interfaith” practices and peer support groups that we offer.
I believe, though, that counselors and clergy need to embrace self-care as a way of staying on top of things. This can include daily prayer, exercise, good nutrition, early bedtime (especially if you go to bed when you get home from work), reading, music, hobbies, and time away with other couples who share similar interests. Of course, when one has too much time away from ministerial activities, they lose touch with people and become less informed on the needs of their own congregations and communities.
Lecture and Books
The following is a list of books and resources that might be helpful for those who are seeking to build a self-care program into their lives and ministries. There is a need for more books on the topics of self-care in ministry, stress management, and building stronger marriages.
Books
Better Sex, by Andrew Comiskey and Sean Lovett (Strange Omens 2009). The authors write,
“Even while writing this book, two of us became newly married and are learning that marriage takes work. We weren’t fully prepared for our sex lives, and it took months to learn how to enjoy one another. Every couple is different. Some of you are older and find your sexual energy flagging…We are all still learning, so keep communicating, or nothing good may result. Newlyweds, however, often have the luxury of figuring out a plan before sex becomes routine and work enters the picture…Too many Christian couples allow premarital and early marital passions to dictate their sexual patterns for years—even decades—to follow. Our bodies are capable of much more if we take care of them and develop them consciously.”
Clergy/Professional Marriage Enrichment, by Leonard D. Abbott (Revell, 1989), includes chapters entitled, “Define the Problem”, “Blurred Boundaries”, “Intimacy & Loneliness”, “Paradoxical Ways of Finding Intimacy & Joy”, and “Interventions”.
Self-Care in Ministry, by Tom Oord (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press 2013). Dr. Oord writes, “I’m convinced of the importance of self-care for anyone in ministry. What’s more, I’ve seen what the lack of attention to this matter has cost some of my friends and mentors over the years. They have paid the price. I’ve also seen the damage sustained by clergy who make self-care a priority” (p. 16). He goes on to say, “If you want to be able to serve effectively and faithfully, you must commit to caring for yourself” (p. 33). Also read, “Congregational Care in Pastoral Counseling,” by Tom Oord (Palgrave Macmillan, 2012).
The Spirituality of Ministry: How Leaders Can Experience God, by Tom Oord (Zondervan, 2008). This resource examines what spiritual formation looks like in ministry and provides guidelines and insights for incorporating spiritual formation principles and practices for working with pastors and parishioners.
Pastoral Burnout, ed. Frank G. D. Rivers (The Chalice Press, 1992, 1996). Dr. Rivers is the Dean of the School of Theology at Friends Theological College. This book is the product of several workshops sponsored by the American Psychological Association (Division 36). He writes in the introduction, “Divine vocation is not a tranquilizer that wards off depression or a sedative that quiets anxiety and turmoil. These are not the effects of God’s call. Nor are they indicators of divine sanction. In fact, spiritual vocation often has the exact opposite effect, for vocations often disrupt, disorient, and destabilize our sense of stability and security. They invite us to live more faithfully, passionately, boldly, responsibly, and courageously than ever” (p. 254).
Pastoral Burnout, by Paul J. Thomas (Charlotte, NC: University of North Carolina Press, 1993). This book provides “a unique look at the role that anger can play in personal and spiritual growth. Exploring the roots of anger in both clergy and laity, Thomas explains how to recognize an angry situation and get help from your clergy team, family, peers, and church leaders” (from inside cover).
Autobiography
Burning Down the Temple: A Journey for Those Who Know the Church Can Do Better, by Lauren F. Winner (Dutton, 2009). The author of three previous award winning books, Lauren, wife and mother and an ordained Episcopal priest, begins her autobiography with a dream. She dreams about being buried alive, wanting to die, and about being adopted. Early in life, Lauren discovers the truth about her birth parents (her father has schizophrenia and her mother is mentally retarded). This forces her to wrestle with the decisions about her future. She eventually decides to make Christ her Lord and Savior and eventually trains for the priesthood, leading to her becoming a Reverand in the Episcopal Church in 2004. At age 30, Lauren continues to ask herself, “who am I?” She wants to know how she can be a Jewish woman (her parents were Jewish) and a Christian woman. In short, she long